Trying for a baby is hard. Well, it can be especially when it does not come as soon as you hope. I am not complaining. I know there are people out there who have a whole lot harder time then we do or harder time then we can have and some who can’t at all.
I am happy for all my friends that are having babies but those emotions I had the first time around of not getting pregnant are starting to sneak up on me again. The first was exactly 2 years after we started trying when we found out we were having a baby. I don’t know why the child took so long to come. During those two years, Mother’s Day was awful, I hated it. It was just another reminder that I wanted a child and it was not coming. Going to church and getting that gift was hard. Yeah, I was a woman and a wife but it reminded me I had no child. Every time someone asked “When you guys going to have kids?” I wanted to go find a hole and hide. For awhile, I tried to avoid people I liked to talk to because I did not know how to answer the Daunting question, “when you going to have kids?” I finally came up with an answer “All in the Lord’s time,” or “When the Lord says it’s time.” It was the only way I knew how to say we trying, it is not happening; it’s hard to talk about but at the same time being polite. There was a time that every time I saw someone pregnant or heard that they were having a baby, I wanted to be happy for them but it would take me time. I had to and still do sometimes talk to myself and say that’s so nice for them. I bet they are excited. One of these days it will happen, just trust the Lord. I longed for a child, month after month and test after test. After a year we started testing to see why we had no luck. The tests lead to nowhere. We ended up slowing down the tests because of the stress of a clinical and finals. In the middle of testing and the start of my last semester of nursing school, exactly two years after we started trying, we finally had the good news of our First baby coming.
We got pregnant with our second child about 8 months after we had our first and that caused a whole set of other emotional feelings for me. I was not ready to be pregnant again and felt I had just barely recovered from my c-section with the first child. Looking back I wish I would have been happier about getting pregnant so easily. I was trying so hard to be happy but it took a couple months, or felt like months it was probably just weeks or days, before I was excited about being pregnant again. I love my 2nd child; I was just so worried about not being able to have a VBAC. This was the biggest reason I was not ready to be pregnant again. Having a VBAC was important to me. With the first, we fought really hard not to have a c-section but it happened in the end and was the right choice in the end with our first child. (You can read more about my birth stories here.) I was afraid I would not find a doctor that would let me do a VBAC the odds were against me to have a VBAC. Instead of 18months after the c-sections I was only 8 months and the way the first came I knew doctors would tell me that they didn’t think I could have a VBAC. My first doctor told me this right after I had my first child. I realize now, with the area I am in, that I needed that 2nd birth to come quickly to give me a fighting chance of having a VBAC for the rest of my children’s births. I had the right home birth midwife that helped me understand what I needed to do better to get that VBAC. I know my Heavenly Father knew what was going to happen in our life and blessed us with our 2nd child quickly, to give us that chance.
Now trying for a third is taking longer than we had hoped. It has been almost a year and nothing. However, this time around instead of just longing for another child and the deep sadness that can come over me. I start to beat myself up over feeling so bad about getting pregnant so quickly with the 2nd child. So I have the longing for a child and feeling upset because yet again it is taking a long time and then what enters my head is you should have been happy the 2nd came fast. You should have trusted Heavenly Father more and not been so upset. You should not be so hard on yourself and learn to go with the flow better. This statement usually brings me back around to realizing that it will be ok. I know it will happen in the Lord’s time and all will be ok. My fears of what care provider to choose will be answered when I need them too. As my husband and I talk we will figure out if a home birth or going back to the hospital will be the best choice. Hospital scare me all those protocols that could get in the way of having another successful VBAC. A homebirth worries me because I am now about 30 min from a hospital with labor and delivery unit instead of the comfortable 10min, if something goes wrong. I know that with the right midwife we should have plenty of time to get there and that homebirth’s are usually safer than a hospital but the what if scares me. I may have to do some fighting to get another VBAC again but I guess that is why heavenly Father blessed me with a strong personality. It may be harder for us to get pregnant, but I know now that it will happen when it is supposed to. I may not know why it is so hard, at times, for us to have a baby but I do know I will trust in the Lord’s timing and trust in him no matter what happens. That is one thing I have learned about having kids, they come in their own time and in their own way. Sometimes these emotions sneak up on me but I know now to try and focus on the positive. I have two beautiful children so far and the rest will come when they are supposed to and how they are supposed to come. I should feel lucky. So just be patient, kids don’t always come when we think they should or how we think they should. If we would have had my first right away then I would have been in the middle of nursing school and instead I had her after I graduated. This worked out better, since I had a c-section, got an infection around my incision and it took awhile for me to get all my strength back. I know I need to thank my Heavenly Father more and not focus on the negative.
Thank you, for my kids, my life and my family. Thank you.
It may be hard for me at times to get pregnant but at least I can and I need to focus on being the mother I should be and love the children I have. I need to trust the Lord’s plan for me. I need to find peace in that plan and find my part in His plan for me. I love my family and I love my life. I love my church and I love my Savior. I will start saying thank you more for all the above things and thank you for the trial of babies coming slow some times. Through the trials we can truly understand what the Lord needs us to learn.